Today I became aware that I've spent the last several days in a spiritual dryness. I talk the game well and I study my catechism, but the actual spiritual side of my Faith is lacking. I don't pray often, because I try to pray in private and I don't get much of that.
About a week after my Baptism, I fell into a mortal sin I have a particularly strong habit for. I made an arrangement with Father to hear confession, but I wasn't very clear about the sin being recent, because I felt shamed of it being so recent, and when he said that baptism washed away prior sins (which is true), I didn't bother to press the issue. I didn't want to go to Mass, then, either, because I didn't want to wait in the pew for the Communion, and I definitely didn't want to profane the Eucharist by recieving in a state of mortal sin... so now I'm up to two.
I feel a very strong need for Confession. The only anonymous confessions in the city are held at the Cathedral on Saturday afternoons, which is a less than ideal time to travel by bus, but it's a sacrifice I'll just have to make.
I honestly feel there is a connection between my slipping into my sins and the feeling of a spiritual dryness I am experiencing.
Yes, sometimes spiritual dryness can be caused by the distance caused by mortal sin, but it's also a natural part of spiritual growth. God allows for the ebb and flow of what is called "consolation" and "desolation" to help us to grow spiritually. He wants us to learn to love Him for Himself and no other reason. Not for the good we "feel," not for how others perceive us, but because He is God and should be loved so. It is our act of the will to choose to love God even when we are dry that can some of the greatest acts of love towards Him as we are receiving nothing immediately in return. St. Francis de Sales has some good writings on the matter.
ReplyDeleteYour confession matter seems to be an issue of pride. Careful with that. Also, the obligation to attend Mass isn't dependent on receiving the Eucharist. Of course God would like us to receive Him if worthy (without mortal sin), but we must attend His sacrifice on Calvary. If you have to sit in the last pew so as not to feel ashamed, do so. But realize it's ok to feel humiliated once in a while. Imagine Christ's humiliation on the walk to Calvary. Our King slapped and spit upon, bloodied and bruised. Offer those feelings up in reparation for His own humiliation.
Keep fighting the good fight. It'll go on until death, so always arm yourself well with the sacraments, spiritual reading, and lots of Rosaries. Our Lady loves to assist her children.